teenage kicks.

Everyone keeps asking me what i'm going to do when i get back. i haven't responded not because i am ignoring anyone...but because i don't know! not for lack of thinking. i am reminded of the scene in the Bell Jar where Esther imagines life as a tree with many branches bearing fruit, but by the time you decide which fruit to grab, the rest have fallen off and rotted.

there's lots of things i want to do... travel around, hole up in a cabin somewhere and write, spend time with friends and family, form an experimental freak folk music act, go work on an organic farm through WOOF, go back to school. though the idea of taking out more student loans, after not paying off the first round yet, is disgusting. it would be prudent to go back for 2 years, get my education certificate so I can teach in Canada, or make more money if I work overseas again.

Do i want to teach? to be honest, not really. being the center piece of a full room of bored people is about the worst situation for someone who is shy and antisocial, and opposed both to being told what to do, and dictating to others. but i certainly don't want to be a cashier, or waitress, which are the other options for a young woman with an English degree... and the West coast is teeming with them. i bet you could find one on every bus in Vancouver city right now, at this very moment.

Trouble is, i haven't grown out of feeling like a student yet. i still wake up and go "oh mannnnnn i don't want to go to school!" and wonder if i can get away with calling in sick. at lunch i sit with my headphones listening to music, reading once banned books, just like i did when i was my student's age. smoking is scandalous for women to do in Korea, so in the beginning, i used to sneak off and smoke under a bridge, just to enjoy the delicious rebellion and secrecy of it(i quit that, because I don't actually enjoy smoking, i just like flouting codes of decency because i am infinitely immature). How can i go from being a surly little teenage shit to being ONE of the people i roll my eyes at and try to ignore? when my students say, "Why should i do this?" they totally have a point. there's no grade for my class, after all.

sometimes i catch myself saying parent/teacher stuff just to cover, like "oh when you're older, you'll wish you had paid more attention in school" or, "try your best" and such, but these are just things i've heard other adults tell me before. I think they can sense the cynicism and insincerity. I asked one girl, "why have you never done anything this whole year? and you come late to every class? What do you want to be when you grow up?" and she said something like, "Why do I need to try in school? My dad is rich and I am going to marry a rich man too and be a mom." She's got a point; daddy's a doctor, she's gorgeous, and her life is going to be just fine whether she finishes my worksheet or not. I guess here a good teacher would jump in with some admonishing proverb about effort being it's own reward, using that adult tone but i just want to laugh wryly. Another time the Wondergirls and some boy band were playing for free, 2 blocks away from the High school, but the principal forbade my students from going. But a small group of girls rallied together (the "top" students actually, who are usually unnervingly obedient) skipped self-study (He wanted them to study at school until 11 pm on a Friday night!) and had the best time ever at that concert. The next day all the teachers yelled at them, hit them, made them kneel and other sadistic punishments, but I couldn't help but beam at them with scarcely concealed pride. if it had been a better band, i probably would have gone with them. A few students told me they are planning to dupe their school and parents and go to Seoul on the pretense of visiting the University. But really, they are going to just hang out, shop, who knows. Am I going to tell anyone? try and stop them? Of course not! God, compared to what I did when I was 17...

But, is this wrong? Am I a bad teacher? I just don't know. despite everything, i think i am pretty good at teaching itself... i can explain things well and help someone understand something, if they're into it. that part is cool. if a student is willing to try, i'll match their effort twofold to get them where they want to go. but the discipline/authoritarian thing eludes me. if someone is determined not to learn, i can't really force them nor do i care to. waste of my time and theirs.

How can I ever be anyone's authority figure? i guess it's better than being controlled by someone else, or taking orders. So, I am considering enrolling in the Education program when i get back. we'll see. maybe I'll have grown up by then.

Some tunes from the angsty teen years I haven't yet grown out of yet and probably never will:

Fuck School: The Replacements (on bad days, i listen to this on headphones in the middle of the office, when the principal and all the teachers are there. they think I am studiously preparing lessons. it makes me smile).




I Don't Wanna Grow Up- Tom Waits